Thanks to Donald Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz, for allowing God to use him so powerfully through his book. This is what God revealed to me, what He told me, what He is changing about me while I worked myself through Don's book.
I have met with God so intimately, so real, today, and yet, I didn’t hear a word, nor did I utter a single word!
How sweet it the name of Jesus on my lips! I am completely intoxicated with His overwhelming love. Praise be to God for opening my eyes, for stripping away my heart until bareness is left. Now He can begin to mold me. Now he can begin to transform me. This is where the freedom commences; the freedom of brokenness. I had to be broken of myself, my self-addition, before God could use me any further. Sure, I might have been effective at times, but how much more effective, and even more so, how much better is my effectiveness for Christ now that it is driven by Christ and founded and consumed in Christ and His love and His way of Life?
And yet, where does it all begin? How did I get to this life-transforming, earth-shattering truth? The transformation from self-addiction, to Jesus-addiction. This is where it starts. What a wretched human I am. I am drawn to darkness, to sin, to selfishness. Since the fall of man and Adam, we are born into the original sin. It’s our nature to not do or be good. And on top of that, Satan takes advantage of it, and full advantage at that. I am selfish, extremely selfish. I am wrapped in a world of me. It revolves around me. It stars me. It is me. And you would think that it is all fine and dandy, and hey, I get my way right? What’s not to love? Here is the catch: everything! It’s miserable. I am so self-conscience so caught up in worrying about myself that I am miserable. I am negative. I am frustrated. I am depressed. Here is where the rest of the sin originates: within myself. I am hateful because of this, judgmental because of this, prideful because of this, impatient because of this, critical because of this. This is the overflow of my heart. My thoughts and my actions attest to this disgusting disease of self-addiction that consumes my soul. And here is the worst part of and for self-addiction: I can’t rescue myself. I can’t fix it and make it O.K. I can’t pull myself out of this pit of muck and mire. I can’t do it by myself. So, there is NO WAY that it can be all about me if I want to get out of this trap of despair.
So am I willing to let it go? Willing to release myself of this addiction that is worse than drugs or alcohol or money or anything else? Am I ready to give it up? Yes! Yes I am! I am ready to breathe, to be free, to live with no worries or fear. Then how? This is where the Jesus-addiction begins. This is where life becomes real and meaningful. When I start living for my Lord and Savior is when I start truly living. So where to begin? With confession which leads to rescue and redemption. So I am sorry, for everything. I am sorry to both my God and to the world. I am judgmental about people. I withhold love, the love so freely given to me. I dole it out based on my approval for people, or when I feel like, not unconditionally, not all the time. I am sorry for using the cross as a power tool. I have taken advantage of the church for leadership opportunities not because of humility and love, but because of power and a need for control. I am sorry for being selfish, for not wanting to move out of my comfort zone. I am sorry my short temper when things don’t go my way, even a little bit. I am sorry for my underlying motives in friendships and relationships. I am sorry for my hidden agendas in conversations and questions. I am sorry for my passive aggressiveness which ultimately accomplishes nothing except for strife and further anger. I am sorry for my apathy about situations. I am sorry for my lack of follow-through with relationships and people. I am sorry for my negative attitude, for my critical spirit. I am sorry for my harsh, sharp words to others, especially when they have gone against me. I am sorry for my retaliations to others. I am sorry for my lack of passion for helping the poor and homeless. I am sorry for not following Your commands, for not living as You have lived. I am sorry for peddling Your Gospel as though it is something to sell. I am sorry passing up opportunities to talk about You or just to get to know someone because I didn’t want to be bothered. This list goes on and on. I am prone to darkness, prone to wander. I can’t save myself. I can’t heal my hurt. This is what I have learned: nothing is going to change until I change the person I see in the mirror.
But how do I do this? I can’t do it through self-discipline. I have tried. It may be possible for short period, for a stretch, but ultimately, and for good? Absolutely not. I don’t have the strength, or the will power. On top of that, all those rules, those regulations, it is so burdening, not freeing, not good and relaxing. It is worse than before. All it is is going through the motions of a self-righteous, self-disciplined life. It is impossible to love the things that Jesus loved and wants us to love, the things of Heaven, without His help. I can’t do it on my own. My nature is darkness, but His nature is light. But here is the best part: I have a rescuer. Jesus will save me. Better yet, Jesus has saved me. He has reached down, out of heaven, and pulled me out of this darkness. He has put me in His light. Praise be to God! I can see! I was so blind because of the darkness, but now I can see! He has forgiven me for all that I have done. I am not above His grace, not above His charity. I am not too proud to accept His unconditional love for me. I am humbling myself to accept all He has to offer me. When I begin to receive His love, truly receive His unconditional love, I begin to fall in love with Him and in turn, I will have the fuel I need to obey Him and His commands. And that starts today, right now, in this very moment. This is where God changes my character with the passion of His love! I am ready to be loved by my Creator. I am ready to be wooed and swept off my feet and away into the life He has had for me since the beginning of time!
So it is time for a change. I am ready to change. I am ready to change from a passive, relaxed, lazy Christian into a passionate Christian, a Christian who truly lives for Christ, a Christian whose belief is what she does, not what she says. I am ready to be a practicing Christian. I am ready to move from the Christian who uses Jesus like a whore. I have put up false gods and idols because God doesn’t bend to jump through my hoops, and this frustrates me. Now it is going to change. By the mighty hand of God it is going to change. It is now time for my faith to be about spirituality, not pride, ego, and self-image. I have believed in Him. I have professed Him. Now it is time that I follow Him with my life, with my whole heart. I am here on earth as a temporary thing. I am tempted and will be tempted by satan. But, I am here, being preserved to tell and show those who don’t know about our Savior, our Redeemer, our Father. The world is fallen. It can’t save itself. I am here to shout out to those needing to be rescued, “Follow me and trust God.” “Follow me as I follow the example of Christ.” This is why I will be able to go through each day not knowing the next step, the next turn. I can go because my God leads me and has ALREADY rescued me. What else do I have to fear? God has reached out. He has rescued me. Now I stand here, ready to trust, beginning to trust God and learning to live by His precepts that I might be preserved to bring Him glory and fulfill His purpose alone.
Now that I know this, it is time for me to believe, to truly believe. Not just to talk about it, or think about it, but instead to act about it. Satan has tried, and to some success for sure, to get us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reason, or even more, to believe meaningful things for meaningless reasons. My belief has become what is cool, what is neat, what others think. But it can’t be that. True belief in Christ isn’t that shallow and can NEVER be that shallow. True and deep belief comes with responsibility. It comes with a responsibility to act, to move, to obey. True and deep belief costs something. That is hard for me. That is hard for my selfish, self-addicted nature. True, deep belief is about accepting both the truth and the responsibility that comes with it. Passion is great, but what is it when it is fueled by nothingness. When true belief is acquired, passion, meaningful and Spirit-driven passion, will follow naturally. It will be second nature. You can’t have true passion without true belief in something. In my case, my true belief is in Christ Jesus, in how He rescued me, in how He leads me, in how He loves me, and in how He moves me. It is time to get back to the basics. It is time to get simple. What I believe is not what I say; what I believe is what I do. End of story, no questions asked. It is time to start living like a Christian, a Christ-follower, a “little Christ”. It can be easy to die for something, to soak up the glory, but it is time to live! I have life and I have it to the fullest thanks to my Savior, Redeemer, and Rescuer Jesus Christ. So now it is time to live it like I have it. It is time to live like I believe it. It is time to show people that Jesus loves them and that He is important. That is only going to happen if I step, act out, and obey God’s commands. So forgive me for having such an exclusive hold on the truth. Forgive me for holding back. It is time to lead a missional life. I want to live the change. It’s time for a change.
How does this change begin for me? For me, it is with love. It begins with how I love others, myself, and God. Love is not a commodity. It is free. It is a gift. It is a gift we have been given that we must receive. It is a gift that we must give. It is a gift that comes from God. Everyone is priceless in His eyes. We are not the judge of whom we want to love and whom we don’t want to love. I have to love everyone. I have to love the things of God. That is everything. Every man, every woman, every child, every person. This is why I am here, to love. To love like Jesus loved and still loves. The only way I will be able to share Jesus is if people know that I love them, that I like them. Then my belief will matter to them. But not until then will it matter. The difference starts in me, in my freedom, not with others. If I can’t change myself then I surely cannot change other people. Change, true and lasting change, is started, carried out, and finished by God and God alone. This is why we ask God to change our hearts. Only He can do it. Only He can truly do it and it will last. My part in the change is to love. It is to show the love of God and its transforming power. It is to show that I care and will always approve because my Father has always approved. It is to nurture in a physical way so that spirituality can be fostered. It is time to love with actions and in truth. It is time to love everyone, regardless of their beliefs, their loves, their way of life, their body, their style, their habits, their vices. It is time to love people just because they exist, not for any other reason, or any hidden reason. It is time to love unconditionally. It is time to love through Christ and from God.
As for myself, it is time that I love myself. It is time for me to stop cutting myself down. It is time to stop thinking negative and destructive thoughts. This is not how I would love others. Love your neighbor as yourself. I must love myself with love and affirmation that comes from God above. Not from the world, or from satan, but purely from the throne of God. It is not O.K. to beat myself up. It is not wrong for me to receive love both from God and from others. I would be a hypocrite if that was true. If I want to give love, then I need to receive love, too. The more I accept the love God has for me, the more I will change into His likeness. The more I drink of His love, the more I will be transformed.
Lastly, I will love God. I will be in awe of Him. I will not reduce Him to an equation on a page, a list of rules on a poster, or a bunch of words in a book. I will stand in absolute awe and wonder that He is who He is, that He has done what He has done, and for me! I will not try to chart Him on a map or try to figure out where He is going. None of that matters. I may have questions, but I don’t need answers. I have a peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. I have a peace that penetrates to my soul and allows my heart to rest fully within God. This life, this real relationship with Jesus is mystical, magical, and spiritual. It sweeps me off my feet into a place of love, hope, and peace. The more I am lost in Him, the more I am able to worship Him. I am free. I don’t need to know anything except that God loved me so much that He sent His only Son to rescue me from a fallen world. I am ready to fear God, to tremble in His presence because of Him majesty, awe, and wonder. This is where true belief, true love, and true worship begins. I am free. I am free to breathe, to live, to act. I am free to sing. Free to sing a song of hope, of life, of beauty, of truth, and mostly, a song of love. Praise be to God, the One and Only!
my love to you in Christ Jesus,
ashleigh
